She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
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