I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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