So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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