my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
