Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
