It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
