This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
i've created a new STD.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
