Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
