Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
