i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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