That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He shit in the fireplace
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
