She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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