There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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