I want to stick my p in your. b.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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