I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
