She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
