ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
