Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
