the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
