At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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