she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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