I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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