I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
