Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
