nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
