Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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