Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
