STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
How's work?
Spinning.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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