i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
