You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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