I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
