so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
