you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
