amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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