This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
