dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
My penis needs a shock collar
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
