I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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