Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she pinky promised me she was 18
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
