I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
Randomize
