life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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