I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Randomize
