I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
