Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
