apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
