he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
