Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
