Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
