you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
