I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
