I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
