its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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