i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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